What does it mean to have
integrity? Is it important that we do? How does
having it or not having it impact our lives?
Webster defines integrity as "the quality or
state of being unimpaired ... of sound
moral principle, upright ... honest ... and
sincere." If you can imagine how the world of
advertising would do while following such a
principle, you can more easily understand how
challenging it is for many of us to possess
integrity, having been raised in a consumerist
culture. Yet the up-side of this challenge is
that we've already been conditioned to desire,
to strive. If we can shift our focus from
desiring things to striving for
impeccability in word and deed, imagine the
possibilities!
In his currently popular
book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel
Ruiz, a surgeon-turned-Toltec medicine man
describes how we are "domesticated" when young
to obey laws and elders (parents, teachers). We
might not agree with these laws, nevertheless we
are virtually powerless as children to challenge
them. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us
are still following rules we, ourselves did not
make. Our need for acceptance from others
remains great. Understanding that we have the
power to change our lives by honoring our
word and thus honoring ourselves is a big
step. Ruiz calls it impeccability, and says it
is the hardest of the four agreements to uphold.
Yet it can allow a person to "transcend to the
level of existence [called] heaven on earth."
Integrity or impeccability
necessarily demands that we honor our
commitments. Yet life can get so full at times
that it is difficult to remember all the
commitments we have made. I know this has been
challenging for me in the past, and I had to
learn to weed through my commitments until I
only promised what I could deliver. This has
been, and continues to be a process. Some call
it "setting boundaries." In other words, my
boundaries are where I can contain myself in
impeccability. They are where I can maintain my
sense of honor and dignity. When I was unable to
honor my commitments in the past, I did not feel
good about myself. Now when I make a promise, I
know it is golden. How liberating this can feel!
We all know the
frustration of being lied to, of having friends
and family falling through on commitments and
failing to honor their word. This is, in fact,
where Ruiz' second agreement comes in: don't
take things personally. And is this hard!
Yet each and every one of us has our own
perceptions. If both of us look at a tree, for
example, we will describe it differently. We
might agree on some of its attributes (green
needles, straight smooth bark), but the way
in which we describe it will likely be
different. One of us might say, "It is a pine
between the age of five and ten years. Looks
pretty healthy." The other might remark, "Look
at the two tops, reaching for the sky! It looks
like arms, and that single little cone is a
beautiful adornment."
If we can understand that
we all see things from a different perspective,
we can learn to get clearer in asking for what
we need while not allowing another's problems
and challenges to become our own personal
baggage. The fact is, we have no control over
other people's actions and feelings. And though
we might temporarily influence them through our
emotions and actions, permanent change can only
be accomplished through an individual's strong
will and desire to make those changes.
Our responsibility to them lies in
honoring ourselves. We can then
better know what we need to maintain our own
sense of safety and integrity around them. This
naturally leads to Ruiz' third agreement,
don't make assumptions. We can never know
what another is thinking, no matter how long we
have known them. We can never accurately predict
another's actions, though we might come close,
from time to time. This is why it is important
to communicate clearly. If we are in our own
integrity, this communication becomes easier.
The fourth and final of
Ruiz' agreements is to always do our best.
When learning what it takes to maintain personal
integrity, we make mistakes. A lie slips out or
we make one more commitment we cannot honor.
Doing our best might simply mean going back and
forgiving ourselves for repeating an old
habit. It might mean apologizing to another.
Reverend Mary Murray Shelton, author of
Guidance From the Darkness, says every time
we repeat an old habit, an actual neuron
sequence in the brain fires to accomplish it. It
creates a physical groove in the brain, like a
pathway in a field. When we make another choice,
a new pathway is created. As we let an old habit
go, the pathway "grows over" and the new pathway
is firmly established. This is a hopeful way of
seeing that we can all make changes for the
better, no matter how ingrained a habit might
be. Doing our best takes us off the hook of
having to be perfect. And with this pressure
off, we can strive in each moment to create a
life in which we respect and honor the wonder of
who we are, deep inside.
