Are you a sensitive
person? Perhaps you're familiar with the saying,
"be in the world, not of the world." It can be
very difficult for a sensitive, open person to
participate in what others term "reality."
For if we honor our senses, if we approach
others with openness and honesty, one of two
things could happen. We could either experience
another person respecting our willingness to be
fully authentic and present with them, or we
might be taken advantage of. How do we interact
with others, then; how do we strive for
authenticity while being on our guard? How can a
sensitive person learn to function in a society
which, in effect, asks us to "toughen up and get
over it?"
Elaine Aron, in her book
The Highly Sensitive Person, asks not
that we get over our sensitivities, but, in
effect, to get with them and learn to
honor ourselves just as we are. A general trait
of highly sensitive people is that we have no
control over stimulation. And though some of us
can get used to certain stimulations,
overstimulation still depletes us. In my
experience, when we feel depleted, some of us
retreat into ourselves, others lash out. Both of
these are inappropriate boundary setting, for
waiting until we are grossly overstimulated can
create several unpleasant scenarios. One might
be that we feel badly about ourselves and this
can easily be reinforced by those around us.
Society and even many of our families do not
like it when we seem to require special
treatment (thus we need to learn to treat
ourselves with care). Another consequence of
failing to honor our needs is that we push
ourselves until we become ill. In both these
cases, we can learn to appreciate our
sensitivities and set some guidelines to help us
cope. This begins with more fully
exploring who we are and what we are made of, so
that we might better understand what our needs
are.
When my children were
young, we lived out in the country. Coming from
a large family myself, I didn't get a lot of
one-on-one time with my parents while growing
up. After bringing my daughters into the world,
I was determined to give them what I felt I did
not get enough of, including time and parental
attention. As young girls, they wanted to
interact with others and to experience the world
outside familiar surroundings. One of the only
ways for them to do this, given where we lived
and the lack of structured youth activities, was
by visiting a distant city or even the mall! No
matter when they asked to go somewhere, I would
drop what I was doing and arrange a trip. After
all, they didn't ask very often and I was their
only mode of transportation. But at certain
times, I felt so overwhelmed that, during our
drive, I would lash out in frustration, "I just
can't do this one more time! Can't you just be
satisfied with what you've got at home?" and so
on. Taken aback, one of them would invariably
respond, "Well, Mom, why didn't you just say
'no'?"
Though saying 'no' seems
simple to me now, at the time it seemed absurd.
As a highly sensitive person, I recognized the
incredible gift I was given in mothering my
daughters. I wanted them to be exposed to art,
music, culture, friends. I wanted them to have
all I could provide, putting myself last on the
list. If you are a parent, perhaps you know what
I mean. However when we put ourselves last, we
invariably come to resent it. As I've said
before, we can't give from a dry well. No
matter how much we love those we are here to
serve, we need to serve ourselves first, in a
profound way. This doesn't mean we become
selfish. It does mean we learn to honor
our need for rest, introspection and regrouping.
As we do this, we set a healthy example for
others to follow, including our children.
We live in a very driven
culture, and increasingly, a driven world.
Sensitive or not, we all need to stop and
refuel. Yet the sensitive person needs even more
respect for down-time. If you are one of "us,"
please stop waiting for someone to give you
permission to live your life. Stop simply hoping
others will treat you kindly, the way you would
treat them. You might be waiting a very long
time. Start with honoring your own feelings,
treating yourself with respect. (If you have
trouble doing this, honor yourself enough to get
help.) Learn to ask for what you need and stick
with it. Don't backdoor your needs by trying to
earn others' approval first. As Rick Nelson sang
in Garden Party, "you can't please
everyone, so you got to please yourself."
We all need to respect and
honor who we are, for each one of us is uniquely
gifted. And though each life is valuable, our
cultural systems are not set up to accommodate
uniqueness or highly sensitive people.
From schooling to healthcare, sensitive people
or parents of sensitive ones need to seek out
healthy and viable alternatives to care for
themselves. And though this can be rough going
at first, we can get used to navigating
through the world in our own unique way. Don't
let others tell you that you are somehow
defective. Read books like The Highly
Sensitive Person, which will validate your
experiences and sensitivities. Seek out
caregivers who are likewise sensitive or
empathic. Eat nontoxic foods, insist you and
your children breathe nontoxic air, indulge only
in nontoxic relationships. Advocate for all of
these in the most peaceful way possible. Life
will not be perfect, but you will feel much
better about yourself.
